Thursday, May 3, 2007

Captain on the Road

I do like a nice bedtime story:
Look! Up in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS! Yes, CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS! A mild-mannered, chisel-jawed congressman; raised by a secret Chamber on a nearby planet and returned to mid-Michigan as a young child; afforded earthly protection by Gannett and nurtured by the Press & Argus; self-styled super-hero to the working family! Able to change colors faster than a Red Bull-chuggin' chameleon , more powerful than a corporate PAC, able to control the press with a single release! Yes, it’s CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS, the unabashed symbol for spin, injustice and the multi-national corporate way! And now, on to our hero’s latest adventure….

The Captain was sulking in his new Capitol office. It was new, but it wasn’t a cool office like his old one. It was tiny, with barely enough room for his shiny phone system to dial up $13,000 worth of “telephone town halls.”

He was stuck down in the basement near the janitorial supply closet and the service entrance to the Cannon HOB. Though looking on the bright side (as he liked to do), it WAS closer to his super-secret lair.

Gosh darn it, he thought. No one was calling on him for his super-snazzy political powers anymore! It wasn’t fair – his Congressional rank had dropped from 37th most powerful to 274th, just because the Democrats controlled the House AND the Senate.

Jeez o’pete! You’d think he wasn’t important any more…

Then the Captain got an idea. A star-spangled, security-filled, I’m-on-the-Intelligence-Committee-and-you’re-not idea. He’d hit the road! Yeah, that’s the ticket: another fact-finding trip! He’d visit a few Middle Eastern countries, show off a little geopolitical expertise, and pick up some new material for his heartwarming adventure stories, um, fact-based anecdotes.

Face it -- HE was the right person to do this sort of thing. Not like that Pelosi woman. Who did she think she was, gallivanting off to talk to that Assad guy in Syria? Pelosi thinks she’s sooooo important, just because she’s the Speaker of the United States House of Representatives. So what if the Iraq Study Group thought it was a good idea? Everyone knows that the ISG is full of weenies and academic candy-asses.

Wait a sec, thought the Captain. Weenies? Candy? … ooh, time for a snack!

Suitably refreshed, the Captain wiped the cinnamon bun crumbs from his chiseled jaw and reached for the phone to make his plane reservations. He didn’t use the Internet much beyond nosing through people’s bank records and keeping kids safe from all sorts of online predators (except the Congressional ones).
Yes, he thought. A little road trip would be just the thing to get him back in the spotlight

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